IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS

[Eveline]

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep
drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a 'light' beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list
is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are
told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to
drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can
that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very
slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the
same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer
will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows
3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small
print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even
though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat,
right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to
re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most
consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue
to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.

Windows ME Beer
The worst of all the windows beers ever. They claim it's great, and you
will most definitely be satisfied. You take it home and are ready to
experience your first taste of Windows ME beer, you crack it open, take
a taste, curse and swear repeatedly. You pack up your Windows ME beer,
take it back to the liquor store and demand they exchange you for
Windows 2000 Beer.

Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the"
beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer
will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers
in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since
they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves.
According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with
almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning
and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Windows XP Beer
This new line of beer, usually comes in home brew or professional brew
and in bottles, however you will see some micro-brew XP's out there.
They are ok, but usually just mask the flavor with alot of "extra
ingredients" that no-one really needs or uses. There is a few subtle
differences between home brew and pro brew. Most deal with networking
your beers with other beers, lets say at a party or a social gathering.
Windows XP beer will far surpass Windows 2000 Beer and people will drink
it more than any other Windows beer, however the first line of XP beers
that came out were highly inconsistent and the brewery soon released
updated packages of beer. I'd highly recommend drinking a minimum of
SP2. SP3 XP beer is ok, however alot of them will not give you
permission to open the lid when taken out. The end result is usually
going to the store for some more SP2.

Windows Vista Beer
This is the newest release from the Microsoft line of beers. It was
clearly developed to compete with the new MacOS beer released. MacOS
will prove to be far smoother to drink than Vista beer, it will be less
susceptible to spoilage do to a different type of bottle. Vista beer
will claim these amazing things, self opening top, quick recovery if
there is a spill or drop of some kind, different colored clear glass so
you can see your desktop through your beer bottle. The most noticeable
of all new items is the quick shut mouth. Every time you wish to take a
sip, the top of the bottle automatically closes and asks, "Are you sure
you'd like to take a drink? The publisher of these lips could not be
verified at this time." At this point you may continue drinking at your
own risk, or simply put the bottle down because you haven't had a beer
since Windows 95 Beer and have no clue what beer is like these days.
Despite all these new and improved features, Vista beer is having a hard
time competing with it's predecessor Windows Xp beer. Most packs of
vista come with at least 2 - 3 bottles broken out of the box. They
weren't like that when you left the liquor store by the way, no matter
how gentle you were in transporting. The word around town and from your
friends is that Vista Beer will make you want to pull your hair out with
every sip. You should just drink XP beer instead.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have
your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either
need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking
Unix Beer for several years.

Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is
intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or
cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe
and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley
and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a
barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and
let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be
one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but
many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some
Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner
Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but
now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced,
it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over
the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it
is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain
extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of
ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown
listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was
once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no
one can claim to have actually seen it.