Moppen - Jokes

[Eveline]

THE CREATION BY COMPUTER

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:\Let there be light!

Enter user id.

c:\God

Enter password.

c:\Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\Create light

Done

c:\Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\Create firmament

Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:\Create dry_land

Done.

c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:\Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\Create fish

Done

c:\Create fowl

Done

c:\Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\Create cattle

Done

c:\Create creepy_things

Done

c:\Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\Create man

Done

c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\Insert breath

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\Create Garden.edn

Done

c:\Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\Copy woman from man

Done

c:\Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\Create desire

Done

c:\Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create freewill

Done

c:\Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\Create good, evil

Done

c:\Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:\Break

c:\Break

c:\Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh

[Eveline]

Concerns over dropping numbers in employee productivity has resulted in Corporate Management implementing the following. Please follow through carefully and consider your options at the end.

From the office of the Special High Intensity Training Task Enforcement Registrar (the S.H.I.T.T.E.R.)

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are now full of S.H.I.T. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LEADERSHIP LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINER (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). As the name implies, this course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).

PS – If you are already full of S.H.I.T. there is a current job opening for Super High Intensity Training Higher Education And Demonstration (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.)

[Eveline]

Let's put the seniors in jail,
and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers,
hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free
prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel
chairs etc. And they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they
could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed
assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all
clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and
bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would
have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room,
spiritual counseling, pool, and education, simple
clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would
be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise
outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C., T.V., Radio, and
daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear
complaints, and the guards would have a code
of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.


The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all
alone, and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month
and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all.

...........................

sigh.....not so very funny, but too sad that this is so
upside down huh!

[Eveline]

</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>


. FOREIGN MEANINGS

The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest
in which contestants were to take a well-known expression
in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a
definition for the new expression.



MAZEL TON
Tons of luck

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.

QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort

QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.

FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food

MERCI RIEN
Thanks for nothin'!

EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail

AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend

FUI GENERIS
What's mine is mine.

PORTE-KOCHERE
Sacramental wine

CA VA SANS DIRT
And that's not gossip.

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here.

MARCI BEAUCOUP -
Marci has just been sick!

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown.

IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!

REX IPSA LOQUITUR
My dog speaks for himself.

APRES MOE LE DELUGE
Larry and Curly got wet.

COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam.

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I am a waffle.

VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it.

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such
a pain you should never know.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.

POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous

ICH LIEBE RICH
I'm really crazy about having dough.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.


VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.

VIDI, VICI, VENI
I saw, I conquored, I came

VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.



</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>;:*:;</O>

[Eveline]

Students at a local college were assigned to read the book,
"Titanic," by James Cameron, and the book, "My Life,"
by Bill Clinton and turn in a book report for each. One
smart ass student turned in the following report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His
professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 days to read
Clinton: Over 3 days to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

[Eveline]

*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*


ELDERLY JOKES

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one
turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I
know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
my pants.'

. ~~~~~~<>>[[Ø¿Ø]]<<>~~~~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my
help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly
let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down
I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

. ~~~~~~<>>[[Ø¿Ø]]<<>~~~~~~~

Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help
them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm
in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream with some
strawberries on top and whipped cream?'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down,
I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

. ~~~~~~<>>[[Ø¿Ø]]<<>~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the
doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, 'You're really doing great,
aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

. ~~~~~~<>>[[Ø¿Ø]]<<>~~~~~~~

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,
were playing golf one fine March day. One
remarked to the other, ’Windy, Isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let's
go have a beer.'

. ~~~~~~<>>[[Ø¿Ø]]<<>~~~~~~~

A little old lady was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she
would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say, 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*

[Eveline]

short letters
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

[Eveline]

Getting Even

One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'


The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.


The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.


The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
--

[Eveline]

Wonderful - English from Around the World
In a BangkokTemple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACKFOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
(Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE