Moppen - Jokes

[Eveline]

Hier mogen moppen worden geplaatst die je zo tegenkomt of zelf bedenkt.
Natuurlijk wel binnen de fatsoensnormen, geen discriminatie, porno, enz.

[Eveline]

Een man opent een nieuwe brillenwinkel in Antwerpen.
De naam van zijn zaak staat mooi op de gevel: 'IN DE KLEINE HOND'.
Een buurman vraagt waar hij toch die naam vandaan haalt?
De man: "Mijne broer heeft ook zo'n winkel in Brussel en die heet: 'O PTI CIEN'."

[Ineke]

Een Belg huurt een kano en peddelt het water op. Midden op de plas kiept zijn kano om. De kano komt niet meer overeind. De man komt niet meer boven. Enkele omstanders springen in het water en halen de bewusteloze Belg naar de kant. Ze beginnen te beademen en te reanimeren. De politie komt erbij. Ze kijken in zijn binnenzak. Daar zitten een Belgisch paspoort en drie zwemdiploma's in. Als de Belg bijkomt, vraagt een agent: "Kon je jezelf nou niet redden? Je hebt verdorie drie zwemdiploma's!" "Aw�l," zegt de Belg, "maar ik wist niet dat die hier ook geldig waren."

[Eveline]

In een straat wonen vier kleermakers,
ieder met een reclamebord:
de eerste"ik ben de beste kleermaker van de stad"
de tweede "ik ben de beste kleermaker van het land"
de derde"ik ben de beste kleermaker van de wereld!"
De vierde "ik ben de beste kleermaker van deze straat."

[Ineke]

[Eveline]

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. ANOTHER SCOOP BY THE NEWS MEDIA

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when
he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the
lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the
lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of
the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who
thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was
the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my
whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion
was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted
as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this
story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and
what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a US Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND
STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the major media's approach to the
news these days.


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. MAD COW INTERVIEW

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved
of new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female
TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have
some theories on the matter ...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the
possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any
reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information.. but what's the relation between this
phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow
twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what
about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam.

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day...
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired.


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. INTERVIEW WITH CANNIBAL

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa
had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi
Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and
found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of
the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah."

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We
ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked,
"Did you.. you know...eat their...'things'??"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."


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. INTERNET WARNING

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi",
for God's sake, don't open it! It contains a nude photo
of Nancy Pelosi.

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[Eveline]

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy
enough people to make it worth the effort.

[Eveline]

<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>


. NUN OF YOUR BUSINESS!

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to
pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked
the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable
purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without
a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,
“This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag
with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”


. ~~~~~~~<>>((O¿O))<<>~~~~~~~

[Eveline]

<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>


. GETTING TIME OFF

I urgently needed a few days off from a company I work
for in Auckland but I knew the Boss would not allow me
to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung
upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker, (who's an Aussie), asked me what I was
doing? I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give
me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked, "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and
recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker, (the Aussie) followed me, the
Boss asked him, "...And where do you think you're
going?"

The Aussie said, "I'm going home too mate.... Can't
work in the dark..


. ~~~~~~~<>>((O¿O))<<>~~~~~~~


. LOONY BIN

Three men at the local Funny-Farm are in the office
for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man,
"What is three times three ?"

"274," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling,
and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three ?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third
man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three ?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."


. ~~~~~~~<>>((O¿O))<<>~~~~~~~

.


. MARRIAGE HUMOR

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49
years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to
hear when she's making love? 'Honey, I'm home!'


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. MEDICAL JOKES

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen,
your check came back. 'Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So
did my arthritis!'

Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'
Patient: 'I AM 60!'
Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?'

Patient: 'I have a ringing in my ears. '
Doctor: 'Don't answer!'

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
'You've been brought here for drinking.', The drunk
says 'Okay, let's get started.'


. ~~~~~~~<>>((O¿O))<<>~~~~~~~


. JEWISH HUMOR

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.


There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of
when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not
considered viable until it graduates from medical school.


Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! ..

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?'
'Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.'
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in
38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.'
The mother scowls and says, ' Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part.'

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: 'Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't
want to be a nuisance to anybody.' (Sigh)

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried
to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't
eaten in three days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.

Q. What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything
that isn't 20% off.


. ~~~~~~~<>>((O¿O))<<>~~~~~~~


. CHOOSING A PROFESSION

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while
the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on
his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whisky.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to
himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll
see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business
man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good
drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going
to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned
to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his
arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher groaned. 'He's
gonna run for Congress!'


<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>~*~<>>O¿O<<>

[Eveline]

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton andHalifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked..

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.