Moppen - Jokes

[Eveline]

The Frog and Golf


THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.



He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.





He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,





Ribbit 9 Iron.'







The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.





Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'





He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.






Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.





He is shocked.





He says to the frog,





'Wow that's amazing.






You must be a lucky frog, he?

The frog replies,





'Ribbit Lucky frog.'






The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'





The man asks.





'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one.





The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say..





By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
Asks the frog,





'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,





'Ribbit Las Vegas ....


' They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says,





'OK frog, now What?'





The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'





Upon approaching the roulette table,





The man asks,





'What do you think I should Bet?'





The frog replies,





'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.

Boom!





Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
Buys the best room in the Hotel.





He sits the frog down and Says,





'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,





He deserves it.





With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous 17-year-old girl.





'And that,

Your honor, is how the girl
Ended up in my room.





So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

[Ex-Verwijderd]

Drie Limburgers zitten aan den toog in een café
Komt daar ineens een fee naast hen zitten en die
zegt:'ik heb 3 wensen die ik onder jullie wil verdelen.


De eerste zegt:'we hebben niks te verliezen dus waarom niet?'
'Ik wil graag een Fillipijnse schone om mijn dagen en nachten mee door te brengen.

De volgende dag zagen de 2 anderen hem met zijn nieuwe vlam zitten.

De 2de wilde ook zijn kans wagen
'Ik wil graag een knappe Zweedse ' zei hij tegen de fee.

En de dag erna zagen de anderen hem zitten pronken.


Nu wilde de 3de Limburger ook wel zijn wens opnemen.
De volgende dag zat hij aan de toog met een .struisvogel.
De twee anderen vroegen wat hij in 's hemelsnaam met een struisvogel moest?

Hij antwoordde:
'Ich vroog ijgelijk één struise om mee te vooochelen, maaaar ich denk
da se mich neeit verstaon heeet...

[Ex-Verwijderd]

"Alzheimer"

4 oude ondeugende oma's zitten aan een tafel in het bejaardentehuis.
Toen kwam er een oude opa binnen lopen.

Een van de oude oma's riep hem toe:
'Wij wedden dat we je precies kunnen vertellen hoe oud je bent.'

De oude man zei,
'Dat kun je echt niet precies raden, stelletje ouwe gekken.'

Eén van de oude oma's zei:
'Dat kunnen we wel degelijk wel!
Laat je broek & je onderbroek maar zakken & we vertellen je precies je leeftijd.'

Een beetje ontzet
maar vastberaden om te bewijzen dat ze dat niet konden,
liet ie z'n broek en onderbroek zakken!

De omaatjes lieten hem nog een paar rondjes draaien
en verscheidene keren op en neer springen.
Toen riepen ze in koor:'Je bent 87 jaar oud!'

Met de broek op zijn enkels,
vroeg de oude vent:'Hoe raden jullie dat in vredesnaam?'

Schaterend van het lachen, met de tranen op de wangen
riepen de oude dames wederom in koor:

'We zijn gisteren op je verjaardagsfeest geweest....!!!'

[Ex-Verwijderd]

Eknel simlme mnesen knunen dit lzeen.

Jlulie knunen meioljik geolevn dat jlulie knunen berjigepn wat heir saatt?De utiozdelrjike karhct van het mneseiljk berin, vlognes de odernzekores van de Uinvesritiet van Cmabirdge, is dat de vogolrde van de lteters in een worod geen bealng hfeet. Het einge bealnrgjike is dat de eretse en de lasatte lteters maar jiust satan. Dit kmot odmat het mneseljik brien bij het lzeen neit lteter per letetr leset, maar een worod als geehel. Verabzned neit? Zeekr wteen, en ik die atljid dahct dat seplling bealngrjik zou zijn! Zo zie je maar, muftengzigen is nenergs voor ndiog!

[Ex-Verwijderd]

Ei bakken

Een vrouw is eieren aan het bakken als haar man thuis komt.
Hij loopt de keuken in en begint meteen te roepen :
PAS OP ! ! !
MEER BOTER ! !!
STOP ! ! STOP ! !
DRAAI ZE OM ! !
BOTER ! !
ZACHTER ! ! ZACHTER ! !
MEER BOTER ! !
ZIE JE DAT DAN NIET ? !
ZE GAAN AANBRANDEN ! !
PAS TOCH OP ! !
DRAAI ZE OM ! !
SCHIET OP ! !
HAAST JE ! !
DRAAI ZE NU OM ! !
STOP ! ! STOP ! !
PAS OP ! !
TE VEEL BOTER ! !
HET GAAT SPATTEN ! !
ZET UIT ! ! ZET UIT ! !
PAS OP ! !
JE GAAT JE VERBRANDEN ! !
ZACHTER ! ! ZACHTER ! !
HOLA, HOLA, TE VEEL BOTER ! !
EN TE WEINIG ZOUT ! ! OHHH ! !
TE WEINIG ZOUT ! !

De vrouw is compleet overstuur en gilt:
Waarom roep jij zo? Wat is er met je aan de hand ?
De man draait zich om en zegt heel kalm, terwijl hij de keuken verlaat:

Gewoon om je duidelijk te maken hoe het aanvoelt als jij naast me zit in de auto.

[Ex-Verwijderd]

Wat een avond gisteren !

Ik heb voor het eerst in m'n leven een show meegemaakt van Jomanda.

Zit ik daar, komt ze naar me toe, legt haar handen op me en zegt met luide stem: "U ZULT LOPEN !"

"Maar ik mankeer helemaal niks!", zei ik.

Dat negeerde ze en wéér zei ze, met nóg luidere stem: "U ZULT LOPEN!"

Ik deed nóg een poging om uit te leggen dat ik gewoon kan lopen en niks mankeer, maar er was geen speld tussen te krijgen en wéér riep ze:

"U ZULT LOPEN !"

Toen de show voorbij was, kwam ik buiten en ......wat denk je.......?

.
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Fiets gejat!!!!!!!!!!

[Eveline]

>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<


. LITTLE WHITE LIES

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to
love this, especially all you ladies who bake for
church events.

Alice was to bake a cake for the her church's Ladies'
Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last
minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake
sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an
angel food cake mix, quickly made it while drying
her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for
Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center
had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.
There was no time to bake another cake. This cake
was important to Alice because she did so want to
fit in at her new church, and in her new community
of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake... She
found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She
plunked it in and then covered it with icing. The
finished product looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter,
gave her some money and specific instructions to be
at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to
buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found
the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself!
Everyone would know! What would they think?

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about
people pointing fingers at her and talking about
her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would
try not to think about the cake and would attend the
fancy bridal shower at the home of a fellow church
member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess
more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already
RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to
stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely
upper crust Old South, and to Alice’s horror, the
cake she had baked was presented for dessert!

Alice started out of her chair to tell the hostess all
about it, but before she could get to her feet, the
Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she
heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

God is good.


. ~~~~~~~<>>*[[O¿O]]*<<HOW>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<<>~!!~<>>@¿@<

[Eveline]

*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*.......*(©¿©)*

. IRS INSPECTION

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While
the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of
the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up
and send them back to the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer. But on
he went in his obnoxious way. "What about all these
plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with implied waste. "We save
it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now
and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how
he could fluster the unflappable CFO. "Well," he went
on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we recycle," answered the CFO. "What
we do is save all the little foreskins and send them
to the IRS Office, and about every 5 years they send
us a complete dick."

. .............*(©¿©)*.............


. NEW KFC DINNER

We all remember the "Hillary Meal"-
small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken
dinners. It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket -
It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.


. .............*(©¿©)*.............


FROM THE "NEWS OF THE WEIRD" NEWSLETTER

* Copenhagen, one of the "greenest" cities in the world,
endured an added 41,000 extra tons of carbon-dioxide-
equivalent in December during the 11-day "climate
summit." The 15,000 delegates required 2,000 limousines
(only five of which were electric or hybrid) to get around
town, and the world leaders arrived and departed in 140
private jets, some of which had to be "parked" overnight
in Sweden because of airport congestion.

* In December, Obama Administration officials, seeking
to fulfill a campaign pledge of a more open federal
government, held a multi- agency training session in
Washington, D.C., on the Freedom of Information Act.
The meeting was closed to the public. [Daily Telegraph
(London), 12-5-09] [Star Tribune (Minneapolis)-AP, 12-9-09]

http://www.newsoftheweird.com/


. .............*(©¿©)*.............


. KENTUCKY FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs... Recently I was
asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side
service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost;
and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I
finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and
they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized
to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what
else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this
homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one
of the worker say, "Sweet Jesus, I never seen nothing
like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

[Eveline]

~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~**~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~**~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~


. IRISH JOKES

Did you hear about the two Irishmen drinking in the
pub on Saint Patty's day, and they left before closing?

I didn't either, but it COULD happen.


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord
take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will
go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found
one.'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks
the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want
to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied..

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now.'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians...'
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is
it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that
he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say
I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin'
from?'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord!
He's done it again!'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another
fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me
on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!
What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you
little chicken.'


. ~~~~~**~<>>((@¿@))<<>~**~~~~~


David staggered home very late after another
evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took
off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down
his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that
his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed
to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place
he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain
in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at
him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the
house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~**~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~**~<>>[(@¿@)]<<>~

[Eveline]

GOOD SOLUTION! LOL!

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the Speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though.

I ask a lady friend, whom she has never heard, to call her desk when she's not there, and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty girl! You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you ?"

That is probably the last time you ever hear that particular Speakerphone.

. ~~~~~~~ :>>x<<:::*:::>>x<< ~~~~~~~